1. Cats are not pets, but rather masters of their domain.
They rule the earth that we mere mortals tread. When you have one, you must accept the fact that it is the cat that is giving you an opportunity to live with it, and not the other way around.
2. In fact, they make rules wherever they go.
And remember: Do not break these rules. If you do, your precious kitty will not hesitate to show you his “not-so-nice” side.
3. A scratch is a tender demonstration of love.
But also, over generations, cats have learned that it’s the only way to effectively train us humans. *sigh*
4. This is what the photo gallery on your phone looks like.
1% pictures of family and friends.
96% pictures of kitty.
5. Lint rollers have become an essential household item for you.
Using them is just part of the daily ritual of someone who self-identifies as a “crazy cat lady.”
6. Boxes are the best. Period.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve spent thousands of dollars on a luxury cat bed, your cat will inevitably end up sleeping in the box that the bed came in instead.
7. These beings make their own decisions. “Training” them is an impossible dream that people have tried and failed to attain for centuries.
Just when you get started working, your kitten sits her bum right atop your keyboard.
Your excuse is so much more valid than that “my dog ate my homework” bullshit.
8. You, when your cat falls asleep on your lap and you don’t want to wake him/her, so you just stay there, unmoving, until you die of natural causes.
It doesn’t matter if your legs fall asleep and you have to cut them off. Your cat’s comfort is the most important thing in the world, and you wouldn’t dare compromise it for your own selfish needs.
9. There’s nothing worse than going on vacation and having to leave your BFF at home.
Screw family. Cat + human = true love.
10. Its adorable paws are hands down the best thing nature ever created.
Playing with them is the ultimate stress reliever.
11. Only cats are truly capable of sleeping anywhere they want.
Dangerous? Perhaps. Impressive? Very.
12. Mice, however disgusting they may look, are like a lovely little gift for a kitten.
And if a cat offers one to its human, it is declaring its eternal love.
13. Do you think you’re independent? Bitch, please.
Cats don’t need anything from their owners. (Well, hardly anything.)
14. When you have a kitty in the house, you don’t need to go to the circus.
Who needs Cirque du Soleil when you have a loving being at home who is just as skilled at climbing curtains and performing incredible feats?
15. Toilet paper isn’t actually for what we think. In reality, it is a toy.
The game consists of shredding it entirely to bits and pieces and dragging it all around the house. The end.